Do you remember the month of May your senior year in high school? You have spent 4 years there and with about a month left you start to slowly lose motivation, patience, and the desire to do anything. Who would have thought that the month of May during my Peace Corps service would cause the same feelings? Is May cursed forever as the month leading up to summer? I am not sure but I do know that this year this month has been difficult.
I have about 3 months left in my service here in El Salvador. Hence, I think I have Senioritis. I find myself bunkering down in my room dreaming of my future. Not just future in the sense of what am I going to do with my life, but a future of feeling clean, having a normal life of a 20 something, and having some amenities back (carpets, hot water, and a bug free bed). It is sad cycle though because those dreams cause me to feel so damn guilty—guilty that after 2 years here I am ready to go home, guilty that I constantly tell people that it is not worth it to go the states illegally yet I am dreaming about the day I move back home, guilty that 2 after years I need my amenities back but people live here their entire lives without those things, guilty that I want a normal 20 something life of meeting for coffee, joining a gym, and going out after 5:00 p.m. So, after I spend hours dreaming of those things, then feeling guilty about it, and then dreaming of a day when I don’t feel guilty for those feelings, it is usually 2:00 p.m. and I realize I spent all day not being in my community being a Peace Corps volunteer but instead have wasted away in my house fighting with an internet connection comparable to year 1999 trying to Pinterest recipes for grilled mushrooms for when I get back home in 3 months and wondering if I am going to become Tina Fey on 30 Rock (37, single, and quirky).
It is a terrible cycle that I cannot break right now. The date is just so close I can taste it. It tastes like Wawa coffee, fresh picked apples, roasted veggies, and frozen yogurt. It is teasing me. And as a typically restless individual (since the end of high school I have not spent more than 1 year without going somewhere new), I am ready for the next adventure. El Salvador has been so wonderful to me, Upire has made me part of their family and it a part of mine, and I still love this country and living here most days. But, I am tired. I am tired of the dirt, tired of the guilt, tired of the restrictions, tired of feeling some sort of sick all the time, tired of giving, giving, giving, tired of certain cultural differences that are just wearing on me at this point, and to top it all off I am just ready to do something new.
Yes, I feel so guilty for saying all of that. But it is true. And I can’t feel guilty for being honest here. It is a somewhat of a relief to say it.
However, just being honest about the problem does not fix it. I can’t spend my final months here salivating over recipes on Pinterest, locked up in my room away from Salvadorans, and living vicariously through characters in television shows who have hot boy friends. Or people who have bosses that look like Alec Baldwin (oh those dimples). Yes, I am current enthralled in 30 Rock if you can’t tell. So what am I going to do?
|Masks from Cast material!|
|Continuing the Post Painting!|
|Hanging out and Making Bread is ALWAYS art!|
Okay, so I don’t have a real solution. Basically the only way to avoid this stuff is to stay out of the house (my room), keep busy, and remind myself that I have 3 months to finish all my projects. AHHHHHHH! We have 3 months to paint all those damn posts!!!!!!!!!! When the pressure is on, I can usually get my act together. Well. that is how I survived high school at Charter. I guess it can work in Peace Corps too!
Plus, it is on those busy, but fun days when I remember how much I have loved this “job.”