Dia de Comercio Upire

August 11, 2012 was a big moment in my Peace Corps service. On that day we inaugurated "Dia de Comercio Upire," which is a project that I have been working on for a few months now. It was a big moment for a variety of reasons, but mostly because it is, I believe, a truly sustainable project that I was apart of--something that I helped do in this community. I have spent the first year of my service constantly wondering if I would do something meaningful in Upire, wondering if I was wasting my community's time or my own, and wondering if I could make any sort of difference here in two years. Of course, uncertainty always lingers, things always go disastrously wrong here, and at the end of the day I am not quite sure what will become of this project, but at least for one day, one BIG day I felt like my service is important. 

First, some answers to the big questions...

1.What is Dia de Comercio? In El Salvador it is really common for larger towns (pueblos) to have a "market day" where tons of vendors line the streets selling all kinds of goods. It is a basically an open air market where you can find food items, fruits, vegetables, clothes, shoes, movies, plastic containers, machetes, etc. "Dia de Comercio" is my small caserio's version of that taking place every Saturday from 6 a.m. - 12 p.m. where our very own community members can open up their own small businesses and sell whatever they can. It looks a little something like this:

Nina Berta selling coffee and tamales!

2. Where did this idea come from? First, I have to put on the disclaimer that this was NOT my idea, not a Peace Corps idea, or something someone from outside the community told us to do. This idea comes from the minds of the ADESCO (community development organization) in Upire (but mostly the idea of my host mother Nina Mary). The ADESCO has been sitting on this idea for about 8 years now constantly thinking that their community definitely has the resources and the capability to put on a great market day every week. The only problem was getting it organized and making the idea a reality.

3. How did you guys do it? haha I am still trying to figure out the answer to this question, but I am going to give you the general breakdown of how we got to Inauguration day. I mentioned in a few posts back that the idea really sprang into life when I went to counterpart training and we were forced to plan a presentation based on one project idea. We left that training excited and motivated to make it ACTUALLY happen. We called a meeting with the ADESCO to make sure they were still on board. With their blessing we called a meeting with the entire community to see not only make sure that we had buyers and sellers, but also to interview each person about the logistics of the market, their products, their ideas, etc. From that meeting we also began to form our organizational team of youth who are basically in charge of making sure that the market not only functions but also continues to thrive and improve. At that point we started sending out the project to potential donors and interested parties who might be willing to donate a little bit to project. We did not (do not) need much for this project-- just things like a few tables, chairs, notebooks, papers, aprons (gift to vendors), shirts for the team,etc. At this point we had a meeting with our local mayor who helped us with trash cleanup, buying us shirts, a huge banner, and by bringing entertainment the first day! After that the youth team in charge began meeting a lot putting logistics together. We organized a meeting with the vendors to go over details and provide a training session on how to have a successful business. Then we focused a lot on publicity, cleaning up the area where the market takes place, and just making sure everything was ready for the big day! (all of this was a lot harder to do than write)

The youth boys and I spent two full days in the heat cleaning
the area and marking the vendor zones. ROCK STARS!

4. Why is this project important? COME ON..is that really a question?! ;) This project provides a variety of benefits to Upire. My small little rural community is located an hour on the bus from the nearest town. This means that one must travel all day just to go to a market and buy their necessities. They also lose their entire day as well as pay around 4$ round trip. This seems absurd in a lot of cases especially given the number of people in my community that sell a variety of products--a lot of times travel is not really necessary, plus plenty of people have their own vehicle to bring goods for others. This market will provide members of my community the opportunity to start their own small businesses, make money, and increase their aptitude in math, business, marketing, organization, etc. Additionally, the market provides an environment of fun and enjoyment for families to spend time together with their friends. Finally, the youth who make up the organizational team are being given an opportunity to really make a huge difference in the development of Upire.

So with those questions out of the way, I am sure you are DYING to know how the big day went...? Right?On the edge of your seat...? ;)

The big day went surprisingly AMAZING. The night before was an absolute disaster which had me on the verge of tears, quitting Peace Corps, and moving home, but I guess that should have been expected given it being our first time and everything. But everything ended up working out and all the disasters resolved just in time to wake up at 4 a.m to the sound of fireworks (put up by my youth boys)! That is when I knew it was going to be a special day. (fireworks are very common in El Sal mostly around the fair times, but because my community does not have fairs or parties really because of the religious aspect, hearing fireworks was truly special and unique!)

Fireworks!

The team was incredibly busy the entire day first welcoming all the vendors to the first ever "Dia de Comercio," then preparing the food for the band, the lunch that we sold to raise funds for the market/team, taking care of music and announcements, welcoming honored guests, and handling the program.

Preparing food for the band!

Band from our pueblo!

  

Ribbon cutting ceremony

Needless to say it was a busy, stressful, and nerve racking day mostly because I led the program and had to give a large speech regarding the project. Hands down one of the scarier moments of my life and my Spanish pretty much died through it, but I survived. The ceremony was wonderful. Everyone kept thanking me and Peace Corps, which felt really nice to hear. The day ended shortly thereafter for the vendors most of which left content and happy that they SOLD everything (we had over 25 vendors). We even had a number of people reserve spots to sell the next Saturday! To me that is a very successful first day and I am just hoping that every Saturday continues to get better and better.

Of course, my youth group had to stay afterwards to clean up everything. I was so impressed with them that they stayed 3 hours after the end of the market to clean all the trash! They are incredible! I am just so so proud of them for taking hold of this project and really making a difference in Upire.

Jovenes Caminando Juntos!

Sharing a moment after the first day!

With this team, I am so confident that this market will continue for years. Primero a Dios! Thanks for reading this monster of a post. Until next time...jmE

next day relaxing in the milpa!

Cheese Smugglin'

Quite frankly I have failed quite miserably in achieving a very important goal of Peace Corps with this blog. The goal is to share the culture of your host country with those living back in the states. True of the matter is that I have spent much of my precious blogging time writing about myself, my own projects, my reflections, and my ups and downs. ME ME ME!... and ZILCH really about Salvadorans and their culture. So, I am going to try to be better about that from now on. This post is not about me or what I do. This is about some (focused mainly on my family) Salvadorans in Caserio Upire and what they do. Just written by yours truly.
That brings me to cheese. Well all milk products, lacteos. In my area of El Salvador cattle ranching and cheese making are a way of life. Many families here have cows and produce a variety of products with the milk. But more than just a way of life...it is a source of pride, joy, and a tremendous amount of work. And I hope to document just how much work it entails in this post. It all starts with a cow...

First, the men (typically) get up at 5 a.m. to milk said cows. Milking cows is hard hard work. It is not at all cool or glamorous. At around 7-8 a.m they usually bring in the milk and put it through a sieve and leave it to rest in this big bucket covered by two big wooden blocks. We sell milk 6 cups for 1$. It is a popular purchase, but we often don't sell it after 10 a.m. because it messes up the cream that they skim. After 10 a.m usually if you want the milk they have to blow the cream to the side and take the milk from below the cream, which they don't generally like to do.

The milk generally sits covered until about noon where then my host mom will skim the first layer of cream. Creama/mantequilla (cream or butter) as it is often known is probably one of or the most popular item we make. It costs 1$ per cup. My host mom will skim the cream again around 4 p.m., leaving essentially skimmed milk. Creama/matequilla changes over time and some people prefer it fresco (fresh day of style) or they like it as it gets older and harder (more like our typical butter).

After the cream has all been skimmed we move on to making cuajada, which is a soft spongy type cheese. It is made by placing a pill (cuajo/rennet) into the milk that is left. My host mother then places her hands into the milk to help the cheese form together with the heat of her hands.





When the cheese is completely formed together it is cut into cubes and then covered in salt. We sell cuajada for $1.75 a pound. This cheese also gets harder over time and some people prefer the harder stuff. I like it fresh and spongy. ;)

Following the cuajada it is time to make the requeson, which is my absolute favorite! You can see the liquid at the bottom of the cuajada above-- it is used for to make the requeson. All of that liquid is put over the fire and boiled. The requeson rises to the top and you remove it from the fire and put it in a cloth to strain, which looks like this: 

Requeson (1$ a pound) is not popular at all. Actually I am the only one that eats it really. I think this is because it is basically a soft, creamy, fat free ricotta cheese, so most people don't think it is that good. I think it is declicious and eat way more of it than I should. I eat so much of eat my family actually refuses to sell it to paying customers. Oh the shame! 

The last and final product that we make is hard cheese. Basically you take the cuajada (above) and crumble it into tiny pieces and then shove it in the weird wooden block thing pictured below where it typically sits for 3 or more days to harden. When it is done it looks like a giant block of hard cheese. It is REALLY popular and a token favorite and costs about $3 a pound! The longer it sits the harder it gets. Here it is often a harder, crumbly cheese. I like it, but I often find it very very salty (like everything in El Sal). 





There you have cheese production in Casa Sorto. All of the steps up to the requeson take place EVERY SINGLE DAY. The making of hard cheese happens once in awhile when they want to make hard cheese and not cuajada. It is a tedious process and requires a lot of energy and dedication. For that I deeply admire my host family for their lifestyle and their ability to make delicious lacteos!!!

*The title of this post comes from the fact that my site (and the surrounding area) because of their locations near the border have had cheese smuggling operations taking place between Honduras and El Salvador based on fluctuating prices.

One Year in Country

The year in country mark. Yes, I arrived in El Salvador one year ago today. Here is the picture of my first day just for kicks!

Jamie y Jaime (director of PC El Sal)

Anyways, today’s date is not as noteworthy as the year mark as a PCV will be in September, but I never turn down a reason to celebrate. I guess it is only appropriate that I post a blog as part of that celebration. I am celebrating a year of challenges, changes, pleasure, pain, laughter, tears, discomfort, love, passion, success, failure, and much much more. It has been one of the most difficult but rewarding years of my life. And I can honestly say the reason I have made it through this experience is because of the people around me and in my life. I know that without the following people I would have quit ages ago. I used to think that finishing my service was about pushing myself through the challenges- ME-alone. But it is through the help of countless others that I have come this far. I owe so much to my family, friends, my Salvadoran family and friends especially my host family Nina Mary, Don Santana, Kellye, y David, the Peace Corps staff, and most importantly my fellow volunteers especially my key girls who have talked me up from the lowest of lows. They are why I am here and thriving and I am grateful every day for each and every one of them.

I am also grateful that some interesting projects have started to really develop for me here in Upire (ones that I am passionate about).  Since I last posted in early June life has been jammed packed with trying to make stuff happen. I mentioned some of them in the last post, but I wanted to give an update on how they are going.

1.       I am currently teaching an Environmental Education Course called Nuestro Mundo y Nosotros (Our world and us). It involves about 12 classes and a field trip to the capital to see the National Zoo for the youngest students in first, second, and third grade. The class has been going great so far. Although I have realized I am not teacher material! But I am trying my best to make the class fun, educational, and special. This week we are covering Trees and of course I am reading them “The Giving Tree” or El Arbol Generoso. ;)

2.       DIA DE COMERCIO UPIRE: This project is my BABY. I mentioned in the last post that we are working on starting a farmers market type commerce day in Upire where our community members can come and sell their products – cheese, fruits, vegetables, meat, clothes, food, lunch, breakfast, anything really. The project has really been moving along rapidly. We are looking to open the first week in August. We are started a youth committee that is basically going to be in charge of the market called “Jovenes Caminando Juntos por el Desarollo de Upire” or Youth Walking Together for the Development of Upire (yes we are getting shirts! haha). This project is taking up a lot of my time as it is takes a lot of organization getting it all together. We are currently trying to find funds to buy all the chairs, tables, and supplies that are going to make up the market. I am really hoping that this takes off considering everyone is so excited (and I am too)!. *if you read Spanish and want the project proposal let me know and I will send it to you if you are curious more about it/if you are interested in helping but want to know more let me know!

3.       Sport committee: I just got back from San Miguel where I bought all the sports equipment so the second week in August we are starting with basketball, soccer, and softball lessons, practices, and games. Right up my alley! Cannot wait to get out there and start teaching sports to the kids! We have been playing very informally, but this project will include formal lessons on the sports and practices!

So projects have been going well thus far-so far so good. We are moving full speed ahead and I cannot imagine taking on anymore right now, especially given that there are always other events, trainings, PC things to be doing as well. Here are some pictures of other aspects of my life in the past month.

I went ziplining..thanks Poppa Serg!!!!

School garden!

Potable Water Opening Ceremony! Cool flagsssss



fourth of July wiffle ball!!

I don't have pictures of this quite yet but I also just got back from translating for a group of doctors from New York who are studying chagas disease. They were wonderful to work for and treated us so nicely. Their blog speaks for itself if you are interested: http://www.nyit.edu/global_health/el_salvador_2012/.

That's the latest and greatest from Upire.

Until my next post all about cheese!

Work and Play

Peace Corps has its moments. Those moments when you reflect and think "Damn, I am so lucky to be a Peace Corps Volunteer in El Salvador." You want to see one of them?

Me on top of the Santa Ana Volcano

. Note: Biddy is for my Mom (inside joke)

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That is what I call crossing stuff of your bucket list. Thank you Peace Corps! As volunteers we are allowed 3 nights out of site per month as "personal nights." This month a group of my friends and I went to hike the Santa Ana volcano and then spend the other two nights in a beautiful lake in the western part of the country. Not a bad life - the life of a Peace Corps volunteer.

The rest of May sped by rapidly and I already find myself wondering where it went. I think May went so quickly because it was absolutely packed with "work" and "play."  Right after playing at the lake, we went straight to our In Service Training, which focused on certain projects we could work on in site, collaborating with other volunteers, and picking up new ideas. It was not only helpful, but it was also really fun. We stayed at a beautiful hotel at the beach giving my fellow volunteers and I a chance to hang out as well as learn from one another.

I returned home from IST and found myself getting busy with work in site! FINALLY. I spent the following week teaching in the school (English/USA culture haha), helping prepare for Mother's Day (which is a HUGE deal here), starting the process of forming a volunteer based youth group in the school, and giving my first training session on "Making Shampoo from Aloe Leaves." 

Shampoo made with Aloe Vera courtesy of my volunteer group :)

Mother's Day Performance Kindergarten--so cute!

 Following that I had another 3 day training with two counterparts from my community entitled, "How to Work with a PCV." I brought two wonderful, female community leaders who are also youth, which made the trip so much more enjoyable. We had a blast hanging out in the NICE hotel room, eating delicious food (that they often never get to have), and working together during the training sessions. Although the training was super draining at times (constantly having to be "on" in front of your own and everyone's counterparts, it was so valuable. It helped me really connect more with one of my counterparts and I think we are now are really good terms to start working together more often. The best part of the training is that is sparked wonderful and feasible project ideas for the future of my service here. The final day of the training we had to present one of our ideas to the entire group. We presented our idea "Mercado Upire," which is essentially our idea to begin a day of commerce in our community where people can sell their products basically like a farmers market. Each person will pay to participate in the market and that money will go to future development projects. I have a meeting with the ADESCO (community development org) tomorrow to see if we can get the ball rolling on this project. All of my fellow PCVs loved the idea and we actually one the prize at the end of all the presentations for having the "best" project. I cannot say ours was truly the best as all of my fellow volunteers had amazing presentations and ideas. I think it is just because we gave out chocolate during ours--gave us that edge!

After that tough but rewarding training, I got some more "play" time. I went to Morazan (next department over) to hang out with the volunteers in that department for their monthly meeting. I decided to go because I would have had to stay in Santa Rosa anyway because of the shuttle system, so I figured it would be much better to hang with other volunteers in the lovely Perquin. We had a good time hanging there and the next day we went to regional leader Brady's site to hike to a waterfall. It was stunning and a great way to relax before heading back to site. Yes, during our "play" time here in El Sal we get to hang out in waterfalls. ;)

As usual I always head back to site with a pit in my stomach kind of like I am leaving the real world behind to head back to rural, simple life. It takes a few days to adjust. You lose the freedom, the ability to be yourself, have access to little luxuries (mostly food), and the loss of a hot shower. But after a few days, I realize why I am here in Upire. There is time for play. And time for work.

Work: The real meat of this post was supposed to be dedicated to the fact that I have not mentioned much of the "projects" I have/will be doing here. I think that is mostly because up until now, "work" has been limited. That is typical for Peace Corps volunteers in the first year. We see "work" as hanging out at other people's houses, eating their food, and having a good conversation. Then people call us from home asking us : what are you working on? We all stutter...work?....hmm...well I can eat a lot of cheese and beans. I've got that done. And people back home don't get it. Productivity is everything in the states. But here... in the Peace Corps development world real work comes slow. But as I am wrapping up May and heading into June, the real work has started to come and fast! So what is on the horizon:

1. Upire and I just won funds to revitalize the sports program here in Upire. We are getting some money to buy softball, soccer, and basketball equipment. I am so excited to start this project. We are going to begin with practices, then move to finding some other teams in the area to play, and see if we can schedule some tournaments. The final part of the project includes money to complete a great hike up a volcano! I am hoping the kids will want to do it. Hopefully by the end of all the sports practices, they will be totally ready to climb their first volcano.

Girls Softball!

2. I already mentioned "Mercado Upire," which more than anything just requires a lot of organization of the community. Hopefully, the first step will begin tomorrow when we meet with the ADESCO.
3. I have 2nd annual art day tentatively planned for the middle of July. The volunteer before me had one and my school director asked for another one. So we are going to have a bunch of volunteers come to my site and teach a bunch of arts and crafts to the students of my school! Should be a real fun event! Plus it is during the week of the anniversary of my group's one year in country--there will be cake. ;)
4. Last but not least I am in the middle of working on another grant with my community to paint the light posts of my community with some youth volunteers. The light posts currently are covered in right wing propaganda, so we are looking to get that off of there and have some of our talented youth paint them with beautiful designs and colors!

Shoot. Now I feel super narcissistic...sorry. I don't mean it that way. I can take no credit for any of this really. All of these ideas stem from the community. I am just lucky enough to get to blog about it. But trust me...I am not that awesome. My community just rocks ;) So who is coming to visit....?

Oh and we got potable water in case you were wondering. However, basically no one is going to keep it in their house because it is too expensive (about $8 a month). So we have it, but I am not sure how many people are going to drink it. Ugh. Really disappointing. I guess it is a good lesson to learn early that projects never go quite right. Good to know with that dramatic list above of cockiness above.

I think that is all for now. I have a bunch of things coming up in the next couple of weeks that I am really looking forward to: I am heading to meet up with Tricia and her Dad who is coming from the states, I have a WYD scholarship committee meeting in San Vicente, and we have a conference in Perquin at the end of the month. It makes me nervous...so much time out of site (all for legit/good reasons). But I need and want my time to work too!....the clock is ticking. And I got STUFF to do....;)

Normal?!

Normal is one of those words you are never really sure what it means. You know the ever popular question: what is normal? I think it is relative. Each person has their own version and it changes and shifts within time and space. For me, I think life here in El Salvador has gotten pretty normal. Hence, the lack of blogging. I think blogging is so much easier when you feel there is something new and exciting to report, something you are not quite used to and you want to reflect on it, or in other words something abnormal or different to explain to those who you think need to know back home.  For awhile I maintained my blog through the crazy, abnormal security situation that left life in El Salvador constantly shifting and chaotic. That time has passed and we have moved on for the most part. There are still plenty of things to get used to, but we PCVs like to think we got flexibility down. So since the security stuff ended in March, I feel life has gotten to be pretty much normal. Normal as normal is for a Peace Corps Volunteer.

Let me describe my normal: I am going into my tenth month in country- the longest amount of time I have lived in a foreign country. But not only that, this is the first time in my living in a very rural location. So different from my old life and my old home. Yet, as the tenth month mark approaches, I finally feel like this is my life and this is where I live. I think in the beginning of service it sort of feels like a long vacation- you are constantly in that honeymoon period where things are just "so cool" or "ew gross" or "weiiiiiird," basically everything is so new and worth commenting on. Now feel like I have gotten to the point where I don't really have those strong reactions anymore (at least not everyday). It has just become the way it is. In some ways it is really comforting. As things become normal here, my life at home appears less so or just appears further away from my reality, and then in turn I miss home less. But in other ways, I really miss some of those honeymoon phase moments. I remember when I first got here and I could not believe how we rode in the back of pick up tracks standing up. I thought it was the coolest thing riding down the mountain, breeze in my hair, with an incredible view in the distance. Now, it just happens all the time. It is not the same as before. It's normal now. I seem to appreciate it less. Note to self: IT IS STILL AWESOME! (remember that)


So I guess you are wondering (at least I hope you are) what has been up since the middle of March when I posted last. The end of March and April were pretty rocky with a number of my friends leaving the country (COS option based on the security stuff), but as I said we aren't talking about that any more. Moving on...the beginning of April was marked by a week long vacation called Semana Santa. My community did not do much as Evangelicals do not really celebrate it as anything but a vacation from work and school. I spent the week doing the following: hosting my friend Liz who was on her way out of the country with COS (gosh i miss her), we went to Perquin for a visit one night, and then I spent the rest of the week hanging with my host brother and sister. It was fun to have them home, especially given the fact that my host mom spent 3 weeks during this time in the states. This was a tough time for me given how my host mom is kind of like my entire world here, but it was definitely made easier with my brother and sister home. The best part of my host mom being in the states is that she got to meet my mom and grandmother!!!! What a story right? It went so well and I am just overjoyed that they got to meet one another in a rare but splendid occasion! :)

I spent the rest of the month doing the usual hanging in the school, playing in the school, and going to community events/meetings. I was also asked to represent my group in the VAC meeting(volunteer committee) this month at this beautiful lake in the west, so I had a 2 night little vacation there with some other volunteers. Finally, I also had another WYD camp like I went to in December when I brought my scholarship girls to the a camp at the beach with the other scholars. That made the end of April really fly by with just lots of mandatory, fun, but draining events. Through this time as well I have finally started to put together some project/ideas that I am currently planning or writing grants for which include: putting together various girls sports teams (currently working on that grant), planning the second annual art day in July, helping with the next WYD camp, and starting a small business group that will learn to make and sell shampoo and other soap products. As all this stuff starts to come together, I am getting overwhelmed with my rapidly fleeing time here. Additionally, there also appears to be times when I have to be out of site/will be out site for various reasons. For example, this month we have a week long training session and another weekend one at the end of the month. I really need to make my time in site count if I am going to get some serious stuff done! (email/message me/comment if you want to help with any of the above mentioned ideas/projects--thanks!!!!!)

That bring us to May. Here it is again: rainy season. I thought I wanted it back, but now I am not so sure. Yesterday on my walk it poured forcing me to enter a random house looking like the lockness monster. I sure know how to make an impression, right? Oh well. That is one of the things that I mean when I say life has gotten pretty normal here. As in, I have just accepted the fact that here ridiculous shit is always going to happen. Expect the unexpected, right PC? The crazy, random, absolutely abnormal stuff all normal--like walking into a strangers house, sopping wet, and asking for coffee. Oh yeah, it happens, and I am cool with it. 

There are some things though that are unexpected, but even if/when you expect them or know they are bound to come, you just cannot bring yourself to normalize them or let them go. This is mostly because you cannot normalize it anywhere. Things that you just don't ever want to get used to. These moments are much more poignant because they usually affect your emotions and or feelings. For example, when someone hurts your feelings in your community, it is really hard to get used to it and build yourself back up from it, because you are always the lone gringa. I know what you are thinking: hurts your feelings? Jamie are you in fifth grade? Get over it! Even in your home country where everything is familiar, you fit in, and there are a bunch of people around this normality SUCKS. It SUCKS when people hurt your feelings, make mean comments, or judge you harshly for something you have done/have not done. At home, I don't spend much time worrying about what people think of my every move. And I don't typically have to. However, a Peace Corps Volunteer's job relies on relations with a tiny, teeny community and how those people perceive you (so they tell you in training), which means that any negative comments appears to us to not only jeopardize our entire job, but also just make us feel awful, invalidated, and like we are not/will not ever be doing enough. I try to keep positive through those moments and I have been lucky that I have not encountered them often here, but when I do it is like pouring salt in a wound. My biggest fear is that I will not be a good volunteer in the eyes of the people in Upire and these comments make me feel as that fear may become reality. They make me want to curl up in a ball and watch The Big Bang Theory in bed. I have done it before and will probably do it again.

You do that for one night and wake up the next morning and remember that only you can make yourself feel better. What is your friend going to do (here from across the country)? Tell you that everything is going to be alright, you are a wonderful person and volunteer, and those people are crazy for saying something mean to you. All very nice to hear and thank you to my bffl PCVs who always do that for me. But as much as I love them and appreciate their effort, it does not change the hurt feelings, shattered confidence, and sour mood. You have to do that yourself. How are you going to move on? Do you need to confront the person? Do you need time for yourself in your bed? Do you need some comfort food?

As for me, I went outside for a walk, I sat underneath the pine trees, got caught in a rain storm, met a stranger for coffee in her house, and walked home soaking wet when one of my favorite bus drivers picked me up and took me home for free. Sweet--all back to normal ;)

The Results

Since December Peace Corps El Salvador has been waiting. Waiting on answers from Washington, D.C. about the fate of PC here. I don't think until coming here and experiencing this dreadful waiting period for myself that I realized just how devastating closing a Peace Corps country would be for the people of that nation as well as for us volunteers. Think about the Salvadoran staff who have great jobs with PC that they absolutely love. We have program managers, training staff, teachers, medical staff, secretaries, guards for our buildings, etc. On top of that we contract with medical/dental facilities, psychologists (by the way she is making bank right now), taxi services, hotels, and other businesses, people, etc. That doesn't even begin to mention the number of people volunteers on the ground affect daily. I am not saying that we are Gods and we are changing the world, but there are volunteers that have incredible projects that touch thousands of people. But more important sometimes than the "work" we do: we live with families, we have friends, and we live in small communities where most people know us. Relationships have impact. Big impact. People rarely remember what you do, but they always remember who you are and what you mean to them. I can only imagine how devastating is to have to tell them you are being forced to leave when you really do not want to go. And luckily I won't have to....

The results from the assessment are in from Washington (see my previous posts on security if you do not know what I am talking about) and the northern part of the country is safe meaning I can stay in my site! That is really the best news one can get (when you like your site). I am thrilled that I get to stay here, continue living with my host family, and working in Upire. Gracias a Dios. :)

But there are some changes with PC El Sal and here they are:
1. We can no longer take public transportation from one department to another. We must use private transportation or use a Peace Corps shuttle.
2. San Sal still off limits.
3. San Sal office will be relocated (no idea when or where)
4. San Vicente training office will be closed (we probably won't get no trainees for awhile, hence no need for the training center).
5. Indefinite no travel to Guatemala or Honduras.

I think that is pretty much the gist of it. When I look at it like and when I first heard the results, it felt very anti climatic. It was almost as if we had been holding our breath for 3 months expecting a big blow, expecting to go home, and expecting to have to end our service early. It felt really like a terrible waste of 3 months. When you are holding your breath and expecting to leave, you really do lose a lot of your motivation and ganas. I think every volunteer suffered from this. But now that I have the results I just keep thinking: why did I have to go through all of that? All that worrying for nothing really. But I guess I should just be glad I was pleasantly surprised rather than correct about my assumptions that we were going home. I guess it is just hard to turn yourself around when you are thinking you are going home. And when others are going home too...

That is what makes this hard. It is the rapidly diminishing number of volunteers in country that makes me nervous. I can deal with the new rules and regulations. They really do not bother me. The transportation system sucks right now (it does not work well for me because of the distance my site is from civilization) but I know I can adapt to that and at least it will be free transport. I can deal with San Sal being off limits- it is annoying at times, but I don't really need to be there (especially after Sansalvadornucleosis). It is only nice to get in there to buy some items and get out. I am upset about Honduras and Guatemala being closed but I am hoping they will open up for us eventually. If not, I will just have to wait until I COS from PC to go there, which is doable. The major challenge with all of this saying goodbye to my PC family.

Although I know it would have happened eventually, this is not the way I wanted it to happen. It is also true that people early terminate or leave PC early all the time, but this is different. We are in a matter of months going from over a hundred volunteers to about 20 or less. My training class was already small when we got here (15). We are less than 10 now and more people are considering leaving because of these changes. *Note: We are still allowed to take early Close of Service with all benefits until April 13th.* My group honestly has felt like a family and with every member that decides to leave, it breaks my heart more and more. Selfishly I want everyone to stay. I want to finish together. I feel like I need my friends to do this. But I know I have to let them go and do what they feel is right for them. But that does not change how hard this is mentally and emotionally for those of us left. It stinks sometimes to be left behind watching your friends all go home. It is not that we get together all the time or would get together all the time, but it is just knowing people are here with you. Knowing you can call them and talk about that random time you killed a scorpion crawling up your leg or that random time you went to the bathroom in the street (yes, guilty of both). Peace Corps Volunteers have a special bond and I am going to miss having that here with more people. I am going to miss the fun activities with large groups of volunteers, working together on projects, and just having a large network of friends and colleagues. And that goes for all the volunteers leaving (not just my group), especially those in the area closest to me.

Luckily, I know that with those that leave we will still have a bond for life. We will always have these memories and experiences that bring us together. They are still my Peace Corps Family. They are incredible people and I will always treasure our time here together. I hate to see them go, but I know each and every one of them is going to find their own happiness and success somewhere else and that is what matters most. I just want to see them happy rather than suffering here.

Although I have to say goodbye to many, I am also reminded that some of us are staying. I am so blessed because these people are also downright amazing and with them I know I am not alone. We can absolutely do this together. We might be small, but we are mighty. I feel so lucky to know them and I cannot wait to see what happens in the next 1.5 years. I can't wait to see what we do. It will be hard again I am sure. But it will be awesome too! The adventure awaits... And I can't wait to ring the bell at the end meaning we finished the two full years!

*I just have to add here that this post has come out a little more positive than I sometimes feel. There are some days where I feel that this security problem is not over yet and our country hangs by a small thread of being shut down. The closing of the office in San Sal is a big blow to the staff and I am not sure what would happen if many of them had to quit because of travel concerns. I am not sure what is going to happen if more and more volunteers leave. There are still some uncertainties. There are still plenty of questions. We still have a long way to go until the dust settles (people have until April to leave with the COS status, then we wait until new offices are built, etc). I am not sure the dust will settle in my time here and that frustrates me. Why did they send my group here to be put through such an administrative shift? Why do I have to deal with all of this on top of everything else a PCV deals with? But I can't ask questions like that any more. Every service is different and all volunteers have rough times (some really rough times). I am here and despite all of this crap and PC changes, I still want to stay. Although they are letting us leave with all benefits and I could escape this turbulent PC time, I still want to stay. El Salvador must be a pretty special place. Or maybe it is just Upire friggin rocks...:)

Sansalvadornucleosis

Sansalvadornucleosis: noun meaning terrible, virtually unidentifiable virus resulting in headaches, earaches, fevers, various random abdominal pain, and overall fatigue requiring about a 2 week stay in the capital. Okay, I made that up. But I figured something that resulted in such a long ass stay in the capital deserved a name (actually my friend Cory told me it deserves a name and this was the best I could do under pressure). Plus, just saying I had a "virus" is not acceptable (even though that's all the doctor said) and it seems really lame. To be real and appear as daunting as it felt it needs a name. Therefore, I had Sansalvadornucleosis. And it was bad...

I would not normally choose to write about something as boring and stupid as being sick. Plus, I don't want you all thinking I am fishing for your sympathy and or your praise for dealing with it. I am choosing to write about it because well I have been super super bored and to be honest it has been one of the lowest points in my service thus far, which that cannot be ignored and pushed under the rug. Now I know what you are thinking (and some of my fellow PCVs as well): damn girl you are living the dream! 2 weeks in the capital with yummy food, a/c, mosquito net free beds, hot showers, cable, lots of things to do, the possibility of seeing other volunteers in the capital, the list goes on. Plus, we have been dealing with the terrible, no travel permitted, sticky security situation! It must be so good to be out of site, right? Yes, I agree that looks good on paper, but trust me it is not all it appears.

First all of that stuff in the capital fantastic when you are healthy and feeling good. As for me, I felt like crap most of the time I have been here (not even wanting to get out of bed, buy yummy food, or do fun things, watch tv, etc) and I was moving from doctor to doctor trying to figure out what I actually had for the first week and a half. I was playing a fun game of mystery diagnosis. I went to the regular doctor, the ear, nose and throat doctor, the brain/head doctor, I had an abdomen scan, 2 blood tests, and when all of that failed they sent me to the shrink (apparently they thought maybe it was all in my head which at some point I started to believe them). Unfortunately, they did the blood test way late in the game and realized then I had a virus. But I guess it was good I went through all that because meanwhile we discovered I have some allergies here as well. That is the one positive of moving from doctor to doctor and having every test possible done.

Okay so that does not sound too bad when I write it like that. But it sure felt sucky in the moment. I guess the main problem was the anxiety of not knowing what I actually had in the beginning. Actually my biggest problem was just pure loneliness. The capital is not a fun place when you are by yourself for the majority of two weeks. There have been very few volunteers here because of the new safety and security rules leaving me in an empty hotel room by myself for hours/days at a time. On top of that the only volunteers that were here in the beginning with me were some who were leaving the country and had very negative opinions to share with me about the program here, which only made me feel worse and worse. I would have left the hotel to enjoy some of the pleasures of San Salvador, but I was feeling pretty fatigued all the time and the capital puts a giant dent in a volunteer's wallet. Peace Corps pays us when we are here for medical but it comes a month later, which means I paid out of pocket for everything here in terms of food and activities. Food is so damn expensive. Ah...it actually gave me serious anxiety thinking about the amount of money I had to spend daily to eat. I am not even sure I could have done anything else (even if I had felt up to it). I mean we make enough money to live in the rural areas, but for capital expenses no way!

As the days passed and I had nothing else to do really I kept thinking (sorry but here comes the verbal diarrhea... gosh I used to be so healthy in the states-why am I dealing with this when I can go home and find out what is wrong, about the amount of money I was spending, the amount of days I was missing from my community, my lack of productivity, the trust my community was probably losing in me, the guilt of being gone for so long, the status of the country and Peace Corps here, my fellow volunteers leaving, more volunteers talking about leaving, my own desire to leave, etc. And of course since no one could figure out what was actually wrong with me I got sent to the shrink (with all of the above emotions to explode on her) as a final resort (she is popular right now as there are many volunteers in therapy trying to deal with the changes the program is facing here).

Seeing the shrink was...an experience. I have never seen a therapist before and I actually never thought I would. My best friend Julia (who used to want to be a psychologist) could tell you the truth: I am not really a fan of the practice. I think it is a bunch of bullshit. Why would I want to tell some rando about my problems? Plus, what are they really going to tell me that I probably could not tell myself? And even if they tell me something that does not necessarily mean it is practical or even applicable to how things work in my own real life (IMHO). But for the sake of Peace Corps I tried to give it a shot. And at the point I figured...hey maybe I am making it up? So I went...

Surprisingly the session was both helpful and painful. And maybe the practice is not a bunch of bullshit. And there is really NO SHAME in someone listening to you talk about the challenges in your life. It made me realize I don't really deal with my emotional responses. I tend to think about things very rationally and very black and white, right and wrong. This is this. That is that. I make decisions based on what I believe is right or wrong (black and white), rather than the way I feel. Then I tend to push my feelings aside and tell myself I can survive through the emotional pain because I am just that strong and I don't want other people to see my human/vulnerable side. It is helpful to realize these kinds of things about your personality but it also hurts. It is like someone taking away your defense mechanisms. Someone forcing you to really deal with something you like to ignore. It strips think you bare and forces you to self analyze and reflect. It is a difficult and exhausting process. But I guess it is good to do. I did come to Peace Corps to learn about myself. And I am definitely doing that even if it is through Peace Corps induced and semi mandated therapy.

Through therapy I was forced to deal with some emotions I had been ignoring/suppressing while here in Peace Corps. Emotions like loneliness, anger, guilt, pain, frustration, anxiety, nervousness, shame, self doubt, etc. I realized how at times how my self esteem has suffered (constantly asking myself: am I doing enough, am I worth it, does my community like me, how do I compare to other volunteers, etc), how much I question my role here (am I making a difference, do I really want to be this outcast for two years), and my overall productivity and worthiness (what am I actually doing, am I seeing results) here in El Salvador and in my community. And facing those emotions caused me to look at the question : do I really want to be here in Peace Corps? Is it good for me to be here? Are these just normal volunteer questions/emotions? Will it get better? Should I give it time? Or am I just hoping the country will close down due to security issues? Yes, some days I do wish that so I could just return to my relatively easy, cushy life. It seems like an easy way to escape these pressures. Even better if Washington/Peace Corps took that decision away from me and I could be free from guilt and blame my leaving on them, rather than feeling like a quitter. And then I could just move on with my life.

The above verbal catastrophe is the dark side of Peace Corps. All of those terrible, dirty, no good, rotten emotions we face a lot here. Everyone goes through it and it is rough. It is why Peace Corps is not for everyone. It is why Peace Corps is tough. It is why it is "the toughest job you'll ever love." And I will be the first to admit that here in Peace Corps my self esteem is pretty much shit. It is a daily and never ending struggle to feel completely good about yourself and the work that you are doing here. And you may ask yourself why on earth would anyone ever want to deal with that?

I had to sit and think awhile about my "true feelings" apparently because according to the therapist I often "suppress" them. When I remove my external pressures, ignore what other people are telling me about their own feelings, and forget about Peace Corps' abrupt changes here and my issues with Washington, I realize when I think about me and my community, I have very few negative emotions. Yes, there are days when I question my work and self worth (but I do that no matter where am I) and how many pounds I have gained, but my frustration, anxiety, anger, and sadness all comes from Peace Corps and everyone else deciding to leave the country. But none of that has to do with me and my personal situation really. My day to day life really has not changed much. It is not like I would see volunteers all the time and the Peace Corps changes are not really hard to deal with at least for me. I think the only reason I have thought about leaving is because they are offering it to me and other people are taking it. But that doesn't mean it is for me. I know (according to therapist) I think in black and white, but there can be a grey area. We can't all stay right now. We can't all leave right now. One answer or choice we make is not right or wrong. All that matters is what we feel is best for us. As for now all that matters is that when I am in my community, where I feel I am supposed to be, I am happy (most of the time). And that is all anyone can ask for.