Work and Play

Peace Corps has its moments. Those moments when you reflect and think "Damn, I am so lucky to be a Peace Corps Volunteer in El Salvador." You want to see one of them?

Me on top of the Santa Ana Volcano

. Note: Biddy is for my Mom (inside joke)

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That is what I call crossing stuff of your bucket list. Thank you Peace Corps! As volunteers we are allowed 3 nights out of site per month as "personal nights." This month a group of my friends and I went to hike the Santa Ana volcano and then spend the other two nights in a beautiful lake in the western part of the country. Not a bad life - the life of a Peace Corps volunteer.

The rest of May sped by rapidly and I already find myself wondering where it went. I think May went so quickly because it was absolutely packed with "work" and "play."  Right after playing at the lake, we went straight to our In Service Training, which focused on certain projects we could work on in site, collaborating with other volunteers, and picking up new ideas. It was not only helpful, but it was also really fun. We stayed at a beautiful hotel at the beach giving my fellow volunteers and I a chance to hang out as well as learn from one another.

I returned home from IST and found myself getting busy with work in site! FINALLY. I spent the following week teaching in the school (English/USA culture haha), helping prepare for Mother's Day (which is a HUGE deal here), starting the process of forming a volunteer based youth group in the school, and giving my first training session on "Making Shampoo from Aloe Leaves." 

Shampoo made with Aloe Vera courtesy of my volunteer group :)

Mother's Day Performance Kindergarten--so cute!

 Following that I had another 3 day training with two counterparts from my community entitled, "How to Work with a PCV." I brought two wonderful, female community leaders who are also youth, which made the trip so much more enjoyable. We had a blast hanging out in the NICE hotel room, eating delicious food (that they often never get to have), and working together during the training sessions. Although the training was super draining at times (constantly having to be "on" in front of your own and everyone's counterparts, it was so valuable. It helped me really connect more with one of my counterparts and I think we are now are really good terms to start working together more often. The best part of the training is that is sparked wonderful and feasible project ideas for the future of my service here. The final day of the training we had to present one of our ideas to the entire group. We presented our idea "Mercado Upire," which is essentially our idea to begin a day of commerce in our community where people can sell their products basically like a farmers market. Each person will pay to participate in the market and that money will go to future development projects. I have a meeting with the ADESCO (community development org) tomorrow to see if we can get the ball rolling on this project. All of my fellow PCVs loved the idea and we actually one the prize at the end of all the presentations for having the "best" project. I cannot say ours was truly the best as all of my fellow volunteers had amazing presentations and ideas. I think it is just because we gave out chocolate during ours--gave us that edge!

After that tough but rewarding training, I got some more "play" time. I went to Morazan (next department over) to hang out with the volunteers in that department for their monthly meeting. I decided to go because I would have had to stay in Santa Rosa anyway because of the shuttle system, so I figured it would be much better to hang with other volunteers in the lovely Perquin. We had a good time hanging there and the next day we went to regional leader Brady's site to hike to a waterfall. It was stunning and a great way to relax before heading back to site. Yes, during our "play" time here in El Sal we get to hang out in waterfalls. ;)

As usual I always head back to site with a pit in my stomach kind of like I am leaving the real world behind to head back to rural, simple life. It takes a few days to adjust. You lose the freedom, the ability to be yourself, have access to little luxuries (mostly food), and the loss of a hot shower. But after a few days, I realize why I am here in Upire. There is time for play. And time for work.

Work: The real meat of this post was supposed to be dedicated to the fact that I have not mentioned much of the "projects" I have/will be doing here. I think that is mostly because up until now, "work" has been limited. That is typical for Peace Corps volunteers in the first year. We see "work" as hanging out at other people's houses, eating their food, and having a good conversation. Then people call us from home asking us : what are you working on? We all stutter...work?....hmm...well I can eat a lot of cheese and beans. I've got that done. And people back home don't get it. Productivity is everything in the states. But here... in the Peace Corps development world real work comes slow. But as I am wrapping up May and heading into June, the real work has started to come and fast! So what is on the horizon:

1. Upire and I just won funds to revitalize the sports program here in Upire. We are getting some money to buy softball, soccer, and basketball equipment. I am so excited to start this project. We are going to begin with practices, then move to finding some other teams in the area to play, and see if we can schedule some tournaments. The final part of the project includes money to complete a great hike up a volcano! I am hoping the kids will want to do it. Hopefully by the end of all the sports practices, they will be totally ready to climb their first volcano.

Girls Softball!

2. I already mentioned "Mercado Upire," which more than anything just requires a lot of organization of the community. Hopefully, the first step will begin tomorrow when we meet with the ADESCO.
3. I have 2nd annual art day tentatively planned for the middle of July. The volunteer before me had one and my school director asked for another one. So we are going to have a bunch of volunteers come to my site and teach a bunch of arts and crafts to the students of my school! Should be a real fun event! Plus it is during the week of the anniversary of my group's one year in country--there will be cake. ;)
4. Last but not least I am in the middle of working on another grant with my community to paint the light posts of my community with some youth volunteers. The light posts currently are covered in right wing propaganda, so we are looking to get that off of there and have some of our talented youth paint them with beautiful designs and colors!

Shoot. Now I feel super narcissistic...sorry. I don't mean it that way. I can take no credit for any of this really. All of these ideas stem from the community. I am just lucky enough to get to blog about it. But trust me...I am not that awesome. My community just rocks ;) So who is coming to visit....?

Oh and we got potable water in case you were wondering. However, basically no one is going to keep it in their house because it is too expensive (about $8 a month). So we have it, but I am not sure how many people are going to drink it. Ugh. Really disappointing. I guess it is a good lesson to learn early that projects never go quite right. Good to know with that dramatic list above of cockiness above.

I think that is all for now. I have a bunch of things coming up in the next couple of weeks that I am really looking forward to: I am heading to meet up with Tricia and her Dad who is coming from the states, I have a WYD scholarship committee meeting in San Vicente, and we have a conference in Perquin at the end of the month. It makes me nervous...so much time out of site (all for legit/good reasons). But I need and want my time to work too!....the clock is ticking. And I got STUFF to do....;)

Normal?!

Normal is one of those words you are never really sure what it means. You know the ever popular question: what is normal? I think it is relative. Each person has their own version and it changes and shifts within time and space. For me, I think life here in El Salvador has gotten pretty normal. Hence, the lack of blogging. I think blogging is so much easier when you feel there is something new and exciting to report, something you are not quite used to and you want to reflect on it, or in other words something abnormal or different to explain to those who you think need to know back home.  For awhile I maintained my blog through the crazy, abnormal security situation that left life in El Salvador constantly shifting and chaotic. That time has passed and we have moved on for the most part. There are still plenty of things to get used to, but we PCVs like to think we got flexibility down. So since the security stuff ended in March, I feel life has gotten to be pretty much normal. Normal as normal is for a Peace Corps Volunteer.

Let me describe my normal: I am going into my tenth month in country- the longest amount of time I have lived in a foreign country. But not only that, this is the first time in my living in a very rural location. So different from my old life and my old home. Yet, as the tenth month mark approaches, I finally feel like this is my life and this is where I live. I think in the beginning of service it sort of feels like a long vacation- you are constantly in that honeymoon period where things are just "so cool" or "ew gross" or "weiiiiiird," basically everything is so new and worth commenting on. Now feel like I have gotten to the point where I don't really have those strong reactions anymore (at least not everyday). It has just become the way it is. In some ways it is really comforting. As things become normal here, my life at home appears less so or just appears further away from my reality, and then in turn I miss home less. But in other ways, I really miss some of those honeymoon phase moments. I remember when I first got here and I could not believe how we rode in the back of pick up tracks standing up. I thought it was the coolest thing riding down the mountain, breeze in my hair, with an incredible view in the distance. Now, it just happens all the time. It is not the same as before. It's normal now. I seem to appreciate it less. Note to self: IT IS STILL AWESOME! (remember that)


So I guess you are wondering (at least I hope you are) what has been up since the middle of March when I posted last. The end of March and April were pretty rocky with a number of my friends leaving the country (COS option based on the security stuff), but as I said we aren't talking about that any more. Moving on...the beginning of April was marked by a week long vacation called Semana Santa. My community did not do much as Evangelicals do not really celebrate it as anything but a vacation from work and school. I spent the week doing the following: hosting my friend Liz who was on her way out of the country with COS (gosh i miss her), we went to Perquin for a visit one night, and then I spent the rest of the week hanging with my host brother and sister. It was fun to have them home, especially given the fact that my host mom spent 3 weeks during this time in the states. This was a tough time for me given how my host mom is kind of like my entire world here, but it was definitely made easier with my brother and sister home. The best part of my host mom being in the states is that she got to meet my mom and grandmother!!!! What a story right? It went so well and I am just overjoyed that they got to meet one another in a rare but splendid occasion! :)

I spent the rest of the month doing the usual hanging in the school, playing in the school, and going to community events/meetings. I was also asked to represent my group in the VAC meeting(volunteer committee) this month at this beautiful lake in the west, so I had a 2 night little vacation there with some other volunteers. Finally, I also had another WYD camp like I went to in December when I brought my scholarship girls to the a camp at the beach with the other scholars. That made the end of April really fly by with just lots of mandatory, fun, but draining events. Through this time as well I have finally started to put together some project/ideas that I am currently planning or writing grants for which include: putting together various girls sports teams (currently working on that grant), planning the second annual art day in July, helping with the next WYD camp, and starting a small business group that will learn to make and sell shampoo and other soap products. As all this stuff starts to come together, I am getting overwhelmed with my rapidly fleeing time here. Additionally, there also appears to be times when I have to be out of site/will be out site for various reasons. For example, this month we have a week long training session and another weekend one at the end of the month. I really need to make my time in site count if I am going to get some serious stuff done! (email/message me/comment if you want to help with any of the above mentioned ideas/projects--thanks!!!!!)

That bring us to May. Here it is again: rainy season. I thought I wanted it back, but now I am not so sure. Yesterday on my walk it poured forcing me to enter a random house looking like the lockness monster. I sure know how to make an impression, right? Oh well. That is one of the things that I mean when I say life has gotten pretty normal here. As in, I have just accepted the fact that here ridiculous shit is always going to happen. Expect the unexpected, right PC? The crazy, random, absolutely abnormal stuff all normal--like walking into a strangers house, sopping wet, and asking for coffee. Oh yeah, it happens, and I am cool with it. 

There are some things though that are unexpected, but even if/when you expect them or know they are bound to come, you just cannot bring yourself to normalize them or let them go. This is mostly because you cannot normalize it anywhere. Things that you just don't ever want to get used to. These moments are much more poignant because they usually affect your emotions and or feelings. For example, when someone hurts your feelings in your community, it is really hard to get used to it and build yourself back up from it, because you are always the lone gringa. I know what you are thinking: hurts your feelings? Jamie are you in fifth grade? Get over it! Even in your home country where everything is familiar, you fit in, and there are a bunch of people around this normality SUCKS. It SUCKS when people hurt your feelings, make mean comments, or judge you harshly for something you have done/have not done. At home, I don't spend much time worrying about what people think of my every move. And I don't typically have to. However, a Peace Corps Volunteer's job relies on relations with a tiny, teeny community and how those people perceive you (so they tell you in training), which means that any negative comments appears to us to not only jeopardize our entire job, but also just make us feel awful, invalidated, and like we are not/will not ever be doing enough. I try to keep positive through those moments and I have been lucky that I have not encountered them often here, but when I do it is like pouring salt in a wound. My biggest fear is that I will not be a good volunteer in the eyes of the people in Upire and these comments make me feel as that fear may become reality. They make me want to curl up in a ball and watch The Big Bang Theory in bed. I have done it before and will probably do it again.

You do that for one night and wake up the next morning and remember that only you can make yourself feel better. What is your friend going to do (here from across the country)? Tell you that everything is going to be alright, you are a wonderful person and volunteer, and those people are crazy for saying something mean to you. All very nice to hear and thank you to my bffl PCVs who always do that for me. But as much as I love them and appreciate their effort, it does not change the hurt feelings, shattered confidence, and sour mood. You have to do that yourself. How are you going to move on? Do you need to confront the person? Do you need time for yourself in your bed? Do you need some comfort food?

As for me, I went outside for a walk, I sat underneath the pine trees, got caught in a rain storm, met a stranger for coffee in her house, and walked home soaking wet when one of my favorite bus drivers picked me up and took me home for free. Sweet--all back to normal ;)

The Results

Since December Peace Corps El Salvador has been waiting. Waiting on answers from Washington, D.C. about the fate of PC here. I don't think until coming here and experiencing this dreadful waiting period for myself that I realized just how devastating closing a Peace Corps country would be for the people of that nation as well as for us volunteers. Think about the Salvadoran staff who have great jobs with PC that they absolutely love. We have program managers, training staff, teachers, medical staff, secretaries, guards for our buildings, etc. On top of that we contract with medical/dental facilities, psychologists (by the way she is making bank right now), taxi services, hotels, and other businesses, people, etc. That doesn't even begin to mention the number of people volunteers on the ground affect daily. I am not saying that we are Gods and we are changing the world, but there are volunteers that have incredible projects that touch thousands of people. But more important sometimes than the "work" we do: we live with families, we have friends, and we live in small communities where most people know us. Relationships have impact. Big impact. People rarely remember what you do, but they always remember who you are and what you mean to them. I can only imagine how devastating is to have to tell them you are being forced to leave when you really do not want to go. And luckily I won't have to....

The results from the assessment are in from Washington (see my previous posts on security if you do not know what I am talking about) and the northern part of the country is safe meaning I can stay in my site! That is really the best news one can get (when you like your site). I am thrilled that I get to stay here, continue living with my host family, and working in Upire. Gracias a Dios. :)

But there are some changes with PC El Sal and here they are:
1. We can no longer take public transportation from one department to another. We must use private transportation or use a Peace Corps shuttle.
2. San Sal still off limits.
3. San Sal office will be relocated (no idea when or where)
4. San Vicente training office will be closed (we probably won't get no trainees for awhile, hence no need for the training center).
5. Indefinite no travel to Guatemala or Honduras.

I think that is pretty much the gist of it. When I look at it like and when I first heard the results, it felt very anti climatic. It was almost as if we had been holding our breath for 3 months expecting a big blow, expecting to go home, and expecting to have to end our service early. It felt really like a terrible waste of 3 months. When you are holding your breath and expecting to leave, you really do lose a lot of your motivation and ganas. I think every volunteer suffered from this. But now that I have the results I just keep thinking: why did I have to go through all of that? All that worrying for nothing really. But I guess I should just be glad I was pleasantly surprised rather than correct about my assumptions that we were going home. I guess it is just hard to turn yourself around when you are thinking you are going home. And when others are going home too...

That is what makes this hard. It is the rapidly diminishing number of volunteers in country that makes me nervous. I can deal with the new rules and regulations. They really do not bother me. The transportation system sucks right now (it does not work well for me because of the distance my site is from civilization) but I know I can adapt to that and at least it will be free transport. I can deal with San Sal being off limits- it is annoying at times, but I don't really need to be there (especially after Sansalvadornucleosis). It is only nice to get in there to buy some items and get out. I am upset about Honduras and Guatemala being closed but I am hoping they will open up for us eventually. If not, I will just have to wait until I COS from PC to go there, which is doable. The major challenge with all of this saying goodbye to my PC family.

Although I know it would have happened eventually, this is not the way I wanted it to happen. It is also true that people early terminate or leave PC early all the time, but this is different. We are in a matter of months going from over a hundred volunteers to about 20 or less. My training class was already small when we got here (15). We are less than 10 now and more people are considering leaving because of these changes. *Note: We are still allowed to take early Close of Service with all benefits until April 13th.* My group honestly has felt like a family and with every member that decides to leave, it breaks my heart more and more. Selfishly I want everyone to stay. I want to finish together. I feel like I need my friends to do this. But I know I have to let them go and do what they feel is right for them. But that does not change how hard this is mentally and emotionally for those of us left. It stinks sometimes to be left behind watching your friends all go home. It is not that we get together all the time or would get together all the time, but it is just knowing people are here with you. Knowing you can call them and talk about that random time you killed a scorpion crawling up your leg or that random time you went to the bathroom in the street (yes, guilty of both). Peace Corps Volunteers have a special bond and I am going to miss having that here with more people. I am going to miss the fun activities with large groups of volunteers, working together on projects, and just having a large network of friends and colleagues. And that goes for all the volunteers leaving (not just my group), especially those in the area closest to me.

Luckily, I know that with those that leave we will still have a bond for life. We will always have these memories and experiences that bring us together. They are still my Peace Corps Family. They are incredible people and I will always treasure our time here together. I hate to see them go, but I know each and every one of them is going to find their own happiness and success somewhere else and that is what matters most. I just want to see them happy rather than suffering here.

Although I have to say goodbye to many, I am also reminded that some of us are staying. I am so blessed because these people are also downright amazing and with them I know I am not alone. We can absolutely do this together. We might be small, but we are mighty. I feel so lucky to know them and I cannot wait to see what happens in the next 1.5 years. I can't wait to see what we do. It will be hard again I am sure. But it will be awesome too! The adventure awaits... And I can't wait to ring the bell at the end meaning we finished the two full years!

*I just have to add here that this post has come out a little more positive than I sometimes feel. There are some days where I feel that this security problem is not over yet and our country hangs by a small thread of being shut down. The closing of the office in San Sal is a big blow to the staff and I am not sure what would happen if many of them had to quit because of travel concerns. I am not sure what is going to happen if more and more volunteers leave. There are still some uncertainties. There are still plenty of questions. We still have a long way to go until the dust settles (people have until April to leave with the COS status, then we wait until new offices are built, etc). I am not sure the dust will settle in my time here and that frustrates me. Why did they send my group here to be put through such an administrative shift? Why do I have to deal with all of this on top of everything else a PCV deals with? But I can't ask questions like that any more. Every service is different and all volunteers have rough times (some really rough times). I am here and despite all of this crap and PC changes, I still want to stay. Although they are letting us leave with all benefits and I could escape this turbulent PC time, I still want to stay. El Salvador must be a pretty special place. Or maybe it is just Upire friggin rocks...:)

Sansalvadornucleosis

Sansalvadornucleosis: noun meaning terrible, virtually unidentifiable virus resulting in headaches, earaches, fevers, various random abdominal pain, and overall fatigue requiring about a 2 week stay in the capital. Okay, I made that up. But I figured something that resulted in such a long ass stay in the capital deserved a name (actually my friend Cory told me it deserves a name and this was the best I could do under pressure). Plus, just saying I had a "virus" is not acceptable (even though that's all the doctor said) and it seems really lame. To be real and appear as daunting as it felt it needs a name. Therefore, I had Sansalvadornucleosis. And it was bad...

I would not normally choose to write about something as boring and stupid as being sick. Plus, I don't want you all thinking I am fishing for your sympathy and or your praise for dealing with it. I am choosing to write about it because well I have been super super bored and to be honest it has been one of the lowest points in my service thus far, which that cannot be ignored and pushed under the rug. Now I know what you are thinking (and some of my fellow PCVs as well): damn girl you are living the dream! 2 weeks in the capital with yummy food, a/c, mosquito net free beds, hot showers, cable, lots of things to do, the possibility of seeing other volunteers in the capital, the list goes on. Plus, we have been dealing with the terrible, no travel permitted, sticky security situation! It must be so good to be out of site, right? Yes, I agree that looks good on paper, but trust me it is not all it appears.

First all of that stuff in the capital fantastic when you are healthy and feeling good. As for me, I felt like crap most of the time I have been here (not even wanting to get out of bed, buy yummy food, or do fun things, watch tv, etc) and I was moving from doctor to doctor trying to figure out what I actually had for the first week and a half. I was playing a fun game of mystery diagnosis. I went to the regular doctor, the ear, nose and throat doctor, the brain/head doctor, I had an abdomen scan, 2 blood tests, and when all of that failed they sent me to the shrink (apparently they thought maybe it was all in my head which at some point I started to believe them). Unfortunately, they did the blood test way late in the game and realized then I had a virus. But I guess it was good I went through all that because meanwhile we discovered I have some allergies here as well. That is the one positive of moving from doctor to doctor and having every test possible done.

Okay so that does not sound too bad when I write it like that. But it sure felt sucky in the moment. I guess the main problem was the anxiety of not knowing what I actually had in the beginning. Actually my biggest problem was just pure loneliness. The capital is not a fun place when you are by yourself for the majority of two weeks. There have been very few volunteers here because of the new safety and security rules leaving me in an empty hotel room by myself for hours/days at a time. On top of that the only volunteers that were here in the beginning with me were some who were leaving the country and had very negative opinions to share with me about the program here, which only made me feel worse and worse. I would have left the hotel to enjoy some of the pleasures of San Salvador, but I was feeling pretty fatigued all the time and the capital puts a giant dent in a volunteer's wallet. Peace Corps pays us when we are here for medical but it comes a month later, which means I paid out of pocket for everything here in terms of food and activities. Food is so damn expensive. Ah...it actually gave me serious anxiety thinking about the amount of money I had to spend daily to eat. I am not even sure I could have done anything else (even if I had felt up to it). I mean we make enough money to live in the rural areas, but for capital expenses no way!

As the days passed and I had nothing else to do really I kept thinking (sorry but here comes the verbal diarrhea... gosh I used to be so healthy in the states-why am I dealing with this when I can go home and find out what is wrong, about the amount of money I was spending, the amount of days I was missing from my community, my lack of productivity, the trust my community was probably losing in me, the guilt of being gone for so long, the status of the country and Peace Corps here, my fellow volunteers leaving, more volunteers talking about leaving, my own desire to leave, etc. And of course since no one could figure out what was actually wrong with me I got sent to the shrink (with all of the above emotions to explode on her) as a final resort (she is popular right now as there are many volunteers in therapy trying to deal with the changes the program is facing here).

Seeing the shrink was...an experience. I have never seen a therapist before and I actually never thought I would. My best friend Julia (who used to want to be a psychologist) could tell you the truth: I am not really a fan of the practice. I think it is a bunch of bullshit. Why would I want to tell some rando about my problems? Plus, what are they really going to tell me that I probably could not tell myself? And even if they tell me something that does not necessarily mean it is practical or even applicable to how things work in my own real life (IMHO). But for the sake of Peace Corps I tried to give it a shot. And at the point I figured...hey maybe I am making it up? So I went...

Surprisingly the session was both helpful and painful. And maybe the practice is not a bunch of bullshit. And there is really NO SHAME in someone listening to you talk about the challenges in your life. It made me realize I don't really deal with my emotional responses. I tend to think about things very rationally and very black and white, right and wrong. This is this. That is that. I make decisions based on what I believe is right or wrong (black and white), rather than the way I feel. Then I tend to push my feelings aside and tell myself I can survive through the emotional pain because I am just that strong and I don't want other people to see my human/vulnerable side. It is helpful to realize these kinds of things about your personality but it also hurts. It is like someone taking away your defense mechanisms. Someone forcing you to really deal with something you like to ignore. It strips think you bare and forces you to self analyze and reflect. It is a difficult and exhausting process. But I guess it is good to do. I did come to Peace Corps to learn about myself. And I am definitely doing that even if it is through Peace Corps induced and semi mandated therapy.

Through therapy I was forced to deal with some emotions I had been ignoring/suppressing while here in Peace Corps. Emotions like loneliness, anger, guilt, pain, frustration, anxiety, nervousness, shame, self doubt, etc. I realized how at times how my self esteem has suffered (constantly asking myself: am I doing enough, am I worth it, does my community like me, how do I compare to other volunteers, etc), how much I question my role here (am I making a difference, do I really want to be this outcast for two years), and my overall productivity and worthiness (what am I actually doing, am I seeing results) here in El Salvador and in my community. And facing those emotions caused me to look at the question : do I really want to be here in Peace Corps? Is it good for me to be here? Are these just normal volunteer questions/emotions? Will it get better? Should I give it time? Or am I just hoping the country will close down due to security issues? Yes, some days I do wish that so I could just return to my relatively easy, cushy life. It seems like an easy way to escape these pressures. Even better if Washington/Peace Corps took that decision away from me and I could be free from guilt and blame my leaving on them, rather than feeling like a quitter. And then I could just move on with my life.

The above verbal catastrophe is the dark side of Peace Corps. All of those terrible, dirty, no good, rotten emotions we face a lot here. Everyone goes through it and it is rough. It is why Peace Corps is not for everyone. It is why Peace Corps is tough. It is why it is "the toughest job you'll ever love." And I will be the first to admit that here in Peace Corps my self esteem is pretty much shit. It is a daily and never ending struggle to feel completely good about yourself and the work that you are doing here. And you may ask yourself why on earth would anyone ever want to deal with that?

I had to sit and think awhile about my "true feelings" apparently because according to the therapist I often "suppress" them. When I remove my external pressures, ignore what other people are telling me about their own feelings, and forget about Peace Corps' abrupt changes here and my issues with Washington, I realize when I think about me and my community, I have very few negative emotions. Yes, there are days when I question my work and self worth (but I do that no matter where am I) and how many pounds I have gained, but my frustration, anxiety, anger, and sadness all comes from Peace Corps and everyone else deciding to leave the country. But none of that has to do with me and my personal situation really. My day to day life really has not changed much. It is not like I would see volunteers all the time and the Peace Corps changes are not really hard to deal with at least for me. I think the only reason I have thought about leaving is because they are offering it to me and other people are taking it. But that doesn't mean it is for me. I know (according to therapist) I think in black and white, but there can be a grey area. We can't all stay right now. We can't all leave right now. One answer or choice we make is not right or wrong. All that matters is what we feel is best for us. As for now all that matters is that when I am in my community, where I feel I am supposed to be, I am happy (most of the time). And that is all anyone can ask for.

Eye Care International

I am currently blogging with WIFI from San Miguel. Why you ask? Well, I am locked up here in a hotel because of some weird, unidentified ear/headache problem. I say unidentified because it appears that the Peace Corps doctor disagreed with the doctor here in San Miguel and has started prescribing me medication over the phone. I am staying again tonight to see if I am better by tomorrow. Sorry to report all of this (although it has nothing to do with the title of the post) but I just have to complain for a second: usually when volunteers are sick they go to a hotel in the capital and get to see each other. Gr... I wish I was there too..but I guess that is just being selfish considering I am in a nice hotel right now. Moving on to the reason of this post:

Eye Care International! Here is a brief synopsis of the program written by Paul Holland that you can also find on their website at http://www.eyecareint.org.

"EyeCare International provides vision care to the under served population of El Salvador. It was founded by Dr. William Brinker in 1995 to bring ophthalmology, optometry, and optical services to areas of El Salvador outside of metropolitan centers. Typically, 5,000-7,000 patients travel to the annual two-week clinic to have their vision checked. They may receive eyeglasses or undergo surgery for cataracts or pterygium removal. Approximately 20 artificial eyes are fitted each year. Each patient is asked to donate one dollar (if they can afford it). However, there are no fees for eyeglasses, surgery, or medications.

Each year a group of 40-50 volunteers from the United States and Canada pay for their room and board and airfare to spend two weeks caring for Salvadorans who might have no other opportunity to receive vision care. Volunteers include not only eye care professionals, but others with varied backgrounds who want to help the under served."

On February 13, 14, and 15 I had the wonderful opportunity to help with this years campaign in Santa Rosa de Lima. The other Peace Corps volunteers and myself helped by acting as translators for the various sectors of the event including: filling out their paperwork, before, during, and after surgeries, throughout the process of taking an eye exam, fitting them for glasses, or during the process of getting fitted for a artificial eye. I, myself, was able to translate for tons of patients getting glasses, taking eye exams, and one man who was getting fitting for an artificial eye. Each and every experience with every individual was so incredibly rewarding. I can't explain the feeling you get when you put glasses on someone for the first time. Their face lights up, their eyes get wide, and their smile reaches from ear to ear. It a precious human experience to share that moment with them. And then they say something like, "Wow. I can see you. You are just so beautiful." I was nearly brought to tears over and over again. I think as the translator I got the best deal out of everyone. I got to talk to them about their lives, their challenges, their families, then really understand how much of a difference the glasses were making, and their unending appreciation and gratitude. Luckily Salvadorans are very touchy people allowing those who don't speak Spanish to feel the love through giant hugs and meaningful handshakes (from men).

Of course, there were plenty of challenges as well. The days were very long, tiring, and at times very difficult. My Spanish is no where near perfect so there were obvious times of frustration. How would I know how to say discharge? Or mucous? Aha. There were also some patients who lacked the gratitude of others or were just coming from some free stuff. It is in those moments that I often question the process of development (on both an individual and country basis) through hand outs and events that people just expect to be given for them. Are we just creating a system were people come to rely on the gifts/money (remesas) of others? I have seen this problem a lot here in El Salvador where people have family working in the United States who send them tons of money/things, which allows them to not work all day. This is no way condemning on the work of charities or service projects that provide help. I truly believe in the work they do and the change they create for various people around the world. I just like to think about this in terms of my own work and community:: what is going to happen when I leave? Will this still continue? Can Salvadorans do this for themselves? If yes, how? All tough questions. And I am not sure the answer can always be yes, especially given the tendency of our own human nature. It is really hard to ignore or resist a need or a chance to make someone's life better when you can fulfill it yourself or with the work of some wonderful organization.

Speaking of an organization, Eye Care International, is amazing. And I am so glad they do what they do. I wish I had a boat load of synonyms to drop here to explain how amazing they are. I was so impressed with their work, dedication, drive, and continuous energy throughout two long weeks. But most importantly their generosity is astounding! Thank you to Eye Care International! I was blessed to have met every single one of you, hear your incredible life stories, and see the amazing work that you do here in El Salvador. Thank you even more for also providing my community with glasses! I have already given them out to about 10 people and I have scheduled an "eye" day in the clinic for next Monday! Here are some pictures of the loot, my host mom, and my host aunt with their new glasses! :)

Edited to add: I realize I just talked about my own concerns regarding the sustainability of projects, yet here I am giving out glasses for free in my own community. Total hypocrite. What I am teaching them? I mean Eye Care asks for a $1 donation. I could do the same and ask for donations to the clinic, but I am not sure that is all I want to do. I want something that is going to teach the value of glasses. Maybe if I incorporate a program for learning to read (most of my community can't). I could start with the Bible given the religiosity of my community. Hmmm...well...I am going to try and think of a way to make this more comprehensive then simply giving out glasses. Any ideas?! Comments welcome!

Post Script: So I mentioned a little while ago that my community is getting potable water. Oh hell yes! Here is the proof! Giant tube leading down the road! WATER IS COMING! MIRE!

BIG TUBEEEEEEEEEEE! agua viene!

Have a good day. And just remember it is the little things...

"One pair of glasses may not change the whole world but it will change that person's world forever." -Eye Care International web site.

Happy 7 Months! (yesterday)

Happy 7 Months in El Salvador (posted a day late)! Everyday on the 19^th of the month I think about that first day that I arrived here. I remember the anxious excitement. I remember the butterflies in my stomach. I remember meeting people for the first time who have now become my best friends and family. It is crazy to think that was only 7 short months ago. I have already learned so much, experienced new things, suffered the extremely low lows, and appreciated the wonderful highs. I am only curious to the future that this place has in store for me and all my fellow PCV’s. But, it is kind of ironic that on this day, this month, a team from Washington has come to analyze this country to see if it is safe enough for us to operate here in El Salvador. The future of our service is in there hands. And all we can do is wait…and keep working…

Since coming home from the Safety and Security Conference, things actually have been kind of busy for me here in Upire. I have mostly been in the school either working with the teachers or the school director either helping with training sessions on the computer or helping to digitalize our schools records and paperwork. We are trying to get all of the school’s information more organized and placed on the computer, so that they can more adequately keep records, track finances, etc. It is a daunting, especially because of the slow and painful death of a very important memory stick, which had the entire school’s life on it. Ouch. But we are working hard to retrieve the lost information and keep up with the process.

Meanwhile, I planned an activity for Valentine’s Day for the students and teachers in the school. The holiday is celebrated here but usually just with a round of “amigo secreto” or secret friend where they buy one gift for a random person they picked out of a hat. There is not a lot of trading of cards or candies between anyone. I decided to make Valentines available to the students. I (with the help of some of my favorite youth!) made little cards with some candy attached that they could buy for a quarter. If they could not buy them, I also keep some paper on hand to give out so that they could just write little notes to their friends, family, and teachers. In addition, I went around to each classroom explaining the importance of love and friendship and asked them to write notes to the special people in their lives. I had set up envelopes for each of the teachers outside on this board and had each classroom write little notes to put in the envelopes. The activity seemed to go well all around. I completely sold out of all the Valentines making the school about $22. The kids seemed so happy running around with their cards and adding little notes to all of their teachers. I think the best part though was watching the teachers open up their envelopes and see all their cards and little presents. They kept telling me how wonderful it was and how special they felt that day. J To my surprise the kids all wrote me cards as well. I did not put an envelope for myself because I felt weird since I was organizing the event, but they put one up for me anyway and filled it with cute little notes! So cute!

I have also spent some time in the school as a sort of substitute teacher. Last week I had to teach kindergarten. Oh man…bless you people who can teach! It is so hard and exhausting. I did not even teach anything to these kids and I was wiped afterwards. I just had them building with blocks and clay. It was basically a game of having someone build the first structure and the rest had to copy that person. I hope it helped with some motor skills or something! But I am not sure because it eventually turned into the kids and I building a pretend city with cars, buildings, etc. It was fun, but as I said super super draining. Those kids have so much energy. Geez, am I getting old? …hope not.

This has pretty much been life lately. A lot of days in the school doing anything they really need. I was also very lucky to be a part of an amazing Eye Care event, but I am going to post about that separately.

So there you have it: what I have been up to recently. I know the last post touched on some seriously troubling feelings I had been having and I have pretty much ignored those in this post. I’ll be honest here. Those feelings are still there. I go through phases where I think about the future of my service here and it looks pretty grim (given the security circumstances). And then there are great where I feel as though I am really going to get to stay in my site and finish my service completely. It is up and down. Everyday. There are days when I look for jobs online (sorry to everyone in that process, it sucks!). And then there are days I plan my future projects and ideas for Upire. It is rollercoaster of emotions. But all I can do is deal with it, talk about it (probably with Tricia), and wait for the results when I will probably be forced to face these emotions and make a significant decision.

But until then on a happy note, I leave you with some pictures! Thanks again Mommom for the camera!

My best friend, Xio with her Valentine!

Girls filling envelopes!

Armadillo shell!

My favorite American/Salvadoran/Argentinan family

This is my awesome host brother, David! Just to show we make giant tortillas in my house :)

mmm. Zapote

Cat gets mouse. Victory.

Post script: I forgot to mention that my friend Jesse invited me to make gingerbread houses at his house one day this past month. We made them because his family has this tradition of making them in the states and he brought the tradition here to El Sal last year. So when his parents came to visit they brought all the supplies. I am so lucky I got to be part of such a fun event for the kids in his community. I am posting a few pictures here of Jesse and the kids for his mom (who has mentioned that she reads my blog :)). Jesse kind of fails at posting (sorry Jesse, but he knows its true ;)) It is just that he is way busier than me and in his prime of time here, so it is understandable he doesn't post. It is because he is super-volunteer (it really is true). But as a thank you to his mom for the awesome supplies and fun event, here are some pictures! Super fun and amazingly delicious :)

Hard at work!

Jesse and his neighbors

So delicious :)

I Don't Know

Famous three words of this past week. And I hate them. I just got back from the All Volunteer Safety and Security Conference in La Palma and if I were to sum it up in three words it would be the following: I Don't Know. No one knows anything about the future of this country and apparently the big guys had to come all the way from Washington, D.C. just to tell us that. Here is the general breakdown (or the highlights) of the conference:

1. Day One: a lovely charla entitled, "How Did We Get Here?" which basically consisted of two hours of history regarding the decision to conduct this evaluation of this country. This was them trying to ensure us that this was not some overnight decision and has actually been a long time coming. Just google El Salvador and you will be inundated with reasons for why we are in this position. And although this post sounds super angry, I am not arguing with the need for the security assessment in this country, but I am upset with how it has been handled thus far.
2. Day two: This was basically a day to present us with various options including Peace Corps Response, re-enrolling in another Peace Corps program, and what it is going to mean to stay here in El Salvador (including new transportation system and current rules), etc. There were also additional informal sessions in the afternoon regarding these options and also Career planning, Extending, etc for all of those people who are being forced to leave the country early (I am not sure if I have mentioned how many volunteers are being forced to leave. We are basically losing 60 with a forced early close of service (including my sister group which holds a number of my closest friends and volunteers). That leaves my group (newest) and the group with about 6 months more, which is a total of about 35 volunteers. And that 35 number is dropping everyday as people decide to leave.
3. Day three: We had a weird mental health session in the morning followed by meeting with our program managers to talk about what is going to happen here. Then in the afternoon there were sessions on various different projects, writing grants, etc.

That is a rough outline of the conference. If it had not been for the opportunity to see and hang out with my friends, it would have been a serious waste of my time. Why? Because....What did I learn from it? Absolutely nothing. And here is why: Apparently Washington is sending an assessment team here February 15. This is going to decide where volunteers can go, live, etc. They are going to have the decision by the middle of March. Following that the volunteers that are not in that area are going to have to switch sites. They gave to no clue as to who is going to have to move, where they will be moved, or when (but it will probably be late April). Yes....more....waiting....

In the meantime we are still on a serious travel restriction. We still cannot go to the capital. We cannot really travel out of our departments. When we leave we still have to clear it with our immediate bosses. We are restricted to basically only traveling when absolutely necessary. And we really have no idea as to when this is all going to get better.

I have been trying to write this post and I am sure I am doing a terrible job at explaining what happened at this conference, but that is because my mind right now is wiped. I am not sure if I can fully explain how draining this entire experience has been since we got that dreadful email back in December putting our service here in question. And the question now is what do I do personally? How do I handle all of this?

Unfortunately, I am still trying to figure this out. I am trying to decide if it would be worth it to re enroll in a new Peace Corps program. It would be a nice new adventure of the full 27 months, I would have more say in where I go and what program I do, and hopefully it would be a in a safer and more stable place. I should point out though that my decision to leave actually has nothing to do with security. I have never felt unsafe in my community and very rarely in this country. When I do leave site I am usually on a bus with a driver who I frequently play with his children and drink coffee with his wife. I feel fine under his watch. My reason for leaving would ultimately be the harsh ambiguity and not knowing the future of my service, the challenges of starting projects under these conditions, and the inability to travel at all. Plus knowing I could have another service elsewhere with the potential to be better is all too tempting...

I'll be honest all during the conference I was ready to jump ship. I was completely willing to start over and join a new country and hopefully avoid the next months of uncertainty here in El Salvador. Of course, I had things holding me back, which made the time during the conference very stressful. Just thinking about leaving my friends, community, this country, everything I have known for the past 6 months, and embark on another new, uncertain journey, made me sick to my stomach. Nevertheless, I had just about made my decision to leave because I was so done with feeling so crappy all the time. I was on the bus back to site and just starting to figure out how to handle having made said decision. And then something changed...

I arrived back in site and I realized that I am not ready to leave Upire. I am being given another 1 month and a half in this beautiful caserio for sure and I am going to take it. Yesterday, my host mom greeted me with a "Hola mi hija chicquita" (Hi my little daughter) and I knew I was not ready to leave her. I am not sure how to do my host mom justice in words. She is almost as amazing as my own mother (and if you know my mother, you know that is saying A LOT). I just sat looking at her and almost cried at the thought of leaving her prematurely. We then sat and chatted about the current situation but she moved right on saying "you know we are going to work hard for the next month like everything is fine" and we talked about potential projects. Next week she wants me to come in and help teach classes (one on art, one on school gardens, and another or hand washing, etc) and then help with this adult English class. We also talked about doing Valentine's Day, working on raising funds for computers, developing a newspaper (kind of) club and starting a "History of Upire" book. I know that I should not start projects with all of this uncertainty but you know what...I am going to pretend like I am staying because that is what I need to do.

If I have to leave here, I have to leave it, but at least I know I stayed as long as I could and did all that I could do. I am going to wait it out until Washington comes through with a decision. And then it will be time to think about it some more. But I think I have come to the conclusion that this is the time when this country needs us the most. I may have to suffer now through a changing Peace Corps program here in El Salvador, but if I can help keep it alive by staying, I am willing to do so. I signed up for an adventure. I signed up to be removed from my comfort zone. I signed up to be challenged beyond my wildest dreams. So with all that Peace Corps is giving me exactly what I wanted.

I hope this is coherent enough for everyone to understand. Please feel free to send comments, questions, or advice my way. I appreciate talking this out with other people. I want to thank everyone for their support in my decisions, the process, and just listening to my story.

For whatever challenges you are currently facing..."May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into the and above the clouds."

~Edward Abbey~


*I hope you all notice the change in tone in this post. The beginning (which highlights my angry feeling during and immediately after the conference) and the end (once I got back to site). Quite an amazing range of emotion, one has.